Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Coming out of my (nervous) shell

Every-time I have to apply for a job, I get a bad case of nerves. Just the thought that I am sending someone my Resume, that "someone" whom I have never met before. I always wonder what do Mr. Someone or Ms. Someone think of my resume, do they see me as part of their company? Is my portfolio Minimalist enough? Is it too busy? Am I missing a colour in the portfolio? All kinds of questions.

One of my first interview after I resigned from my favorite job, I broke down in tears. It was the question that was asked, "Why did you leave your former job?" I did not know what to say. I began to have flashbacks of being pushed on the table and hitting the computer, almost damaging it, I remember getting angry facing my abuser, using my arm to defend myself, I pushed him away, only to be shoved violently on the floor, hitting my shoulder, back of my head and twisting my ankle and landing on my knees... then came the response of the boss on the telephone, "Get out of my office! Go home!" Then my accuser shouted, "Ha, Ha when (the boss) comes back, you will be fired and not me!" This had only happened about a week or two before my interview and everything was still fresh in my mind. My right arm was still swollen, and I wore a pair of newly bought flat shoes to facilitate my swollen twisted ankle, my body wracked with pain and yet I was willing to keep my appointment and get that job...alas, the question was asked, "Why did you leave your former job?" and the hurt came back. My swollen fingers started to tremble, and my knees started to twitch in slight pain, since I took to pain tablets to get through the interview as professional as possible. Two pairs of emotionless eyes stared at me. I looked at them in silence, "I, was my time to go...I needed to be challenged creatively, and unfortunately, (my former company) has changed their priorities and their goals. Studying in NYC, has helped me to set standards and to discard petty things..." with that I felt the throbbing pain of my right arm, and tears rolled down my eyes. I did not realize the extent of the hurt, I wanted to run out of the interview and call it a day. I felt stupid and sat on the chair, sobbing. "Uh oh, I did not expect this." The female interviewer sprung up in action, searching for a napkin. Maybe, I should have canceled the interview, allowed myself to heal. However, I have been working since I was seventeen, setting goals for myself, dreaming of the day when I can get a nice new car and a bigger place with two bedrooms, my sister and I accomplishing great things before the age of 30, but that came crashing down when I was ousted from my former place of work like a dog, lashed and kicked, sent to the hospital. I knew then, that I will not get the job, I was too honest about myself.

I went to other interviews, and never cried again. When I did not receive the call, "Congratulations Lisa Marie, you got the job," after each interview, I told myself next time I will do better. So everyday, I learn something new. I am in Woodworking class, (I have been sketching my ideas for real cutting edge chair designs), I am a total Google-Sketchup fan (I am on it everyday), and I cook and bake cake, plus keep the floor tiles clean and white. I still dream but it has changed now, I want to be a fantastic Graphic Designer at a really cool Ad Firm, with a flair for Architecture, I also want to study Architecture in Germany, and visit The Golden Cabbage building of the Vienna Secession. For now, I just want to be a Graphic Designer. So I keep sending out those Resumes, with conviction and determination to leave the past behind me, and to, "Keep Moving Forward."

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