Well its a new year, and I was looking for something to say, something positive and well, it kind of passed me by.
Anyway, I have a question for you, "Do you know what people really think of you? I mean really, by their actions towards you, not what they say to your face, but what they say behind your back, when you are not there, or when you feel they really care? What do their actions tell you about what they think...about you. I pretty much have an idea of late, it is really unfortunate, because I usually give everyone a chance, but that is just my weakness, because I give them one chance to prove themselves. It is an inhuman trait, and leads to some crazy stuff.
Sometime ago we went to look at an apartment that was up for rent. The 'referral' (the person who told me about the place) was very excited and full of hugs and kisses, she contacted me regularly, and we spoke to each other well. My mind told me, "She is really nice", my gut told me, "She is too nice". So when she told me that she knew of a few places, I thought, "Okey-dokey! What is the worst that can happen, I mean she is really excitable, wanting to show us a number of places". Including the one that she is sure we would like! Rents in Trinidad are very high, its like everyone wants to be a 'Kadashian' in a month. The rents are so high, that we now have them in USD! So folks who don't have USD have to settle for TTD on the down low.
We went to see the apartment. When I saw the building I wanted to run. In the yard was barrels upon barrels and half of barrels with plants and papaya trees growing out of them. We had to climb a number of stairs and there was no parking, we would have to park in the street, which was already limited, so we would have had to jostle for parking, which would create contention, in in places like those it would have meant that our vehicles would be damaged, or missing. There were dogs, I don't mind pets, but these were really in need of TLC, and they were tied, which I really hate. The landowner, a white haired woman, about 65 years, came to meet us, her some missing, all yellowed and crooked teeth greeted us. Soft palms. The place had a great view, and good space for two people. That was about it. Wooden creaky floors, crazy-looking, white laminate kitchen counters that is sagging on the sides, over grown yard, and a termite-ridden tree, whose branches are falling bit by bit, with damaging results. The branches has damaged a few of the neighbour's roofs, and a water tank in the yard, it was leaking badly. The landlady, was even nice enough to point this out. I told the referral that I needed parking, and it must have two bedrooms. I did not push for details, because, I wanted to be open-minded, and she offered with immense happiness!
Now lets see here. I grew up in some of the nicest places in the west, living in the same streets with CEO's and CFO's and general managers driving Audi's and BMW's. I even lived in a home with a pool, and a lovely view of the North-Coast. Currently, I live in a fairly nice apartment fit for a two single young ladies. I am looking for an upgrade. Who the hell are you to show me a place like this? What the deuce do you think I am? I felt insulted, and I smiled through it all. I told the referral in other words, No. I was disappointed, and when my anger has subsided, I plan to call her, because right now, words cannot describe what I really want to say.
I do have other stuff to say, but I will leave that for now. One person I met said to me, 'You are so nice", she gushed. "Such a sweet person!" I don't disagree, but damn you if you try to pull wool over my eyes! As a 'nice' person, I don't like to make a scene, and lately, I don't have the strength to raise my voice and get "ghetto", when something irks me. It does not mean that I am not angry, it simply means, I have alot of self-control. Had it been 7 years ago, I would be screaming, and gesticulating, and cursing (surprise, surprise). I don't really relish the thought of dying young anyway. And folks have guns and knives on their person and property.
Case in point: In 1994, my dad bought a car. One day he was in the car, and something stuck him. He pushed his hand under the seat and was surprised to find a hole, in that hole was a knife, a medium, heavy-handled hunting knife. It looked like a 'rambo' knife. He was surprised. I believe he still has it. Now, what if I did not like being 'woman-handled' in an insulting way, and I end up fighting with a hot-head, and he/she pull out that knife and plunge it into any part of my body, I would either be dead, or disabled in some way, because if you saw that knife, the damage would be dastardly, and the wounds ghastly.
So, I rather have self-control, but don't take my kindness or my silence for weakness, and not because I am not acting up like you, that I can't speak up. I can, but I will not be in the way you want, and understand. I know a girl, she believes that she is always right, I won't doubt that, she is educated, and 'did not want to marry as a virgin'. We had a little tough chat about something I know and something she doesn't know about. She straightened me out, I said ok. She is still wrong, because she knows nothing about it, but I do. But she is a bully. We also went to school together. So there we are. The friendship is currently strained, on my end anyway, because I am ready to walk. Which is another thing you should always do when faced with a 'tense' situation. Be always ready to walk, although, you may want to reach out to that person again, which I do sometimes, if I really valued the friendship. This one is on my black list, and she does give me a verbal beating which I have already had enough of. Period.