I was going to write on another topic, but then I was faced with a bit of pain. Not that it should hurt me, but it does, as it feels as though I am shot in my chest over and over again, and although I am not dead, it hurts. I am sure you know what I am talking about. A famous movie star, knocked up the house-keeper, had a child with her (who in my opinion clearly looks like him), never even bothered to tell his wife and the house-keeper, never even bothered to tell her employer.
I feel for his wife, because, it is so similar to what happened to my family life. Except we were not rich, and the woman was as ugly as they come, and I simply do not understand why. Why do men do the same things over and over? They pursue a girl, marry her, have kids and cheat on the same girl. The Kids grow up and do the same thing, some never get over the feeling of unworthiness, and low self esteem. The persistent feeling that no one wants them, and that their life is doomed to be repeated in the same maddening pace of Dating, Marriage, Kids and the Other Woman. Why do this other woman keep coming up.
My sister and I had a most spirited talk about this as we were returning home from work. I told her that once I marry I am gonna become a licensed gun owner, and we laughed. We discussed why must we always be on top of men to keep them from cheating? Can we afford to prevent the cheating from happening? Do we shoot first and ask questions later? My thoughts went 25 plus years ago when my dad cheated on my mom. There was a kind of coldness, a raging selfish determination to do what he did. Of course, a child came out from the union, and yes I do know her, and my mom have met her. But, I can't be angry at her, because she was not in control of how she was conceived. But my dad, and that woman was.
At this point, it makes sense to place the blame on my dad. But, my actions towards him has spoken in volumes in what I think about him, as a person and as my dad. Some folks told me to forgive him, but sometimes I forget and I think the world is tough, but I can work hard through it all, and then you hear stories like this, and you think, good gosh! How do these people do it?! And then I remember my mother's tears, and how much she was hurting from dad's infidelity. Today, the pain was too much, and a few tears fell, and I feel confused by it all, since I thought that that was behind me and it was old stuff. I think as I look at my life, that it reflects how much I have been affected by my dad's apparent selfish display of life. I look at my mom, who is loving and who did her best to grow up her girls to respect themselves and 'lock-down.' And I think to myself, "I gotta forget this happened, I got to move on."
How do you fathom the complexity of memories, when you see someone going through the very thing that you have experienced? How do you begin to forget that? How do you feel when someone you admires tells you that you would marry a man just like your dad?
Oh well, this is something that I really wished I could zap out of my head forever, because the day I do walk down the isle, (or not,) I would never like to revisit the day my family life was stolen...by the Other Woman....